This is what first loves are made of
Smiling faces
Sincerity
And uninterrupted bliss
All you'd ever searched for
In a solitary kiss

The picture looks like new
A simple hug
Commitment
It's all a thing of the past
Who would have ever thought
It couldn't last?

I worshipped you
Daily
Like love was my religion
And you were my god
Covered my heart,
While giving a single nod

The story of us went on,
In circles
Continuously
But with each chapter,
Our passion-filled love
Slowly became a part of history

A small leak
Turned into a gaping hole
Flooding
In between the two of us
And this salty sea of anguish
Dissolved every memory of what was

This is what first loves are made of
Crying eyes
Heartbreak
And neverending regret
All you'd ever searched for
And all you wish you could forget

I heard once that flaws are only "unique idenitfiying marks", but when I'm face to face with my reflection... it's so difficult to think that way.

My blemished skin that covers my overweight body doesn't seem so special to me. No matter how often I pluck, tweeze, and pull my eyebrow hairs out, it never makes me look as beautiful as I want to be. No matter how many minutes I spend twisting my hair into curls and frying it with an iron, it never turns out as perfectly as planned. And no matter which clothes I decide to wear, I'm still unhappy with my appearance. I keep layering on the makeup but it doesn't do anything but drain my bank account. How far do I have to go and how much do I have to spend before I'm finally happy with myself?

They all say I'm pretty and cheery and confident.. and I smile.. because I haven't got the nerve to tell them how things really are. How I think about living at the gym, constantly throwing my flawed body onto the different machines and hoping for a movie star result. How I'm scared to eat anything at all... in fear that I'll gain even more and be worse off than I was before. I can't tell them how disappointed I am. That it gets so bad that I want to stop eating altogether.... forever.

I'll keep on smiling and making jokes about my body to ease the pain of it all.. and they'll laugh, thinking I'm just kidding. But the truth is, I feel like a failure... An ultimate failure.

But I'll go back to the salon to get more highlights by covering my scalp with stinging bleach and hair products. I'll get fake nails glued onto my real ones and try to keep a straight face when they cut and grind my nails down further and further. I'll request them to rip off my eyebrows with hot wax as tears well up in my eyes. I'll pay them for frying, cutting, ripping, and inflicting different kinds of pain on my body...

Why? Because beauty is pain..

And no matter how much it all hurts, I want more than anything to be beautiful.

(This is the only entry I saved when I deleted everything.. Just a little revisit to the past.)

You made me cry on Saturday night. Harder than I've cried in months. But it was different than my usual cry. My usual tears are full of loneliness and pain, but these new ones carried fear and caring in them. I felt like I almost lost you that night. And when I saw you dancing with her, my heart jumped into my throat. While standing in awe and suffocation, I watched as your body moved with hers. I watched as you moved closer to her each second. I couldn't breathe. I wanted to look away and pretend it wasn't happening, but I couldn't bring myself to tear my eyes away from the sight of you two.

Jessie came up to you and asked you what you were doing.. Only because I couldn't be within a twenty foot radius of you without bursting into tears. When you started walking around to find me, I found myself running away from you. I weaved through the maze of sweaty bodies, attempting to find a breath of fresh air. And before I could reach that spot.. I ran into you. You pulled me close and said you knew I was angry.. And that you were going to change all of that. With a pessimistic tone in my voice, I agreed to let you come over to my apartment in an hour.

The drive home was full of resentment and fury as I aimed the headlights towards Dexter and drove as fast as I could. But hitting the gas didn't blow off the steam I had rising inside me. I wanted to slap you; quick and hard.. And then turn and walk away, leaving you to realize what you did. I wanted to yell at you and call you every name in the book, giving you a small dose of the pain you served me. I wanted to pin you against the wall with my finger pointed in your face and scream my insecurities so you could hear each one loud and clear. I wanted you to realize the error you made, and I wanted you to understand why it was an error.

So you came through my door at about 3:00 am that night, with every intent to kiss and make up. And you sent your friend to occupy mine while we talked about everything. I didn't plan on making the discussion emotional. I planned on holding my strength, telling you I was mad, and leaving it at that. I didn't plan for what was about to come.

Your eyes followed mine.. Like always. But this time when they connected, we didn't share a smile_{(Like usual)}; we shared tears. You were able to hold yours back just enough so they wouldn't spill down your smooth cheeks.. But I wasn't as strong as you. And all of a sudden, my heart was spilling out through my eyes in droplets..

I'd never opened up that much in front of someone I care about.. But my lips just seemed to know that if I held these words on the tip of my tongue back, _{(like I always do)} they would be spit out eventually. And I told you my insecurities.. And I told you how I was scared. And I told you I didn't want to lose you...

But after I poured out my heart to you and we shared my fears, our eyes connected again.. And you told me not to worry; that nothing bad was ever going to happen.. That you weren't going anywhere.. Then you kissed my lips gently and whispered how I was your "girl", and how no matter what happens; at the end of the day, we'll always be together.

And it was at that moment that I melted... And I can still remember the amazing look on your face because it was one that I had never seen before.. It was regret; an apology without words. And I knew that you sincerely wished you could take it back. I knew that you knew you were wrong. And I knew you were sorry before the sentence escaped your lips. But you went on to tell me how it was all your fault, that you promised you'd make things up to me, that you cared about me more than anything, that you couldn't live knowing I was mad at you, that I was your "favorite girl"..

So I kissed you intensely and hugged you with all my might and told you I wasn't mad.. Because it wasn't a possibility now.

Then our eyes connected once more.. And we shared both smiles and tears this time.