Everyone has a best friend. I have a handful. One, in particular, is Kelli. I love her to pieces. We have a blast when the two of us hang out and have a million inside jokes. Sometimes, I feel like we are on the same page and she just gets me. Other times, I feel like she's so distant that I start to question the label 'best' for our friendship.

We've gotten close over the last year and a half or so and I've loved seeing our relationship grow. She means a whole hell of a lot to me. I would do pretty much anything for her. Hell, I even gave her my ex when she told me they had feelings for each other. That is love.

But since the two of them have started dating, I feel like I have lost part of her. She hides things from me. Things that need to be said. Then she'll wait weeks before actually conveying I did something to upset her. I have told her time and time again that all I want out of our friendship is more communication. I want to be able to tell her things without her judging me and I want her to come to me and tell me how she's feeling. But it's not working.

She's always busy. We work opposite shifts at work. I'm always out of town and she's usually in town. The only time we're in the same area is when she's hanging out with him. And needless to say, I don't want to spend my free time hanging out with my ex and my best friend, witnessing their awesome, perfect love connection. Gag me. So, instead of doing that, I spend time with my other best friends. She gets jealous.

At times, I feel like Kelli only wants me to have her as a friend. She gets irritable whenever I'm talking about how I'm spending time with anyone else and so on. Now, don't get me wrong; I love Kelli. She's a great person. But I just can't seem to understand why she can't handle things differently. She flips out over the smallest things, like how we didn't invite her to lunch...

Honestly, I feel like we're dating. But I don't get any of the perks of being in a relationship; only the bullshit. The fights, the arguments, the silent treatments. I want our friendship to be strong and I want her to feel comfortable enough to tell me what's really on her mind... But I feel like I've been replaced with Brian. He takes up all of her free time now, and I'm sure she can talk to him about the things she gets mad at me for.

I just don't know what else to do. I have told her my side and that we need to communicate more... but where do I go from here? I'm just sick of trying to walk on eggshells for her.. having to wonder if she's going to blow up on me or be nice to me at any given moment.

*sigh*

This is what first loves are made of
Smiling faces
Sincerity
And uninterrupted bliss
All you'd ever searched for
In a solitary kiss

The picture looks like new
A simple hug
Commitment
It's all a thing of the past
Who would have ever thought
It couldn't last?

I worshipped you
Daily
Like love was my religion
And you were my god
Covered my heart,
While giving a single nod

The story of us went on,
In circles
Continuously
But with each chapter,
Our passion-filled love
Slowly became a part of history

A small leak
Turned into a gaping hole
Flooding
In between the two of us
And this salty sea of anguish
Dissolved every memory of what was

This is what first loves are made of
Crying eyes
Heartbreak
And neverending regret
All you'd ever searched for
And all you wish you could forget

I heard once that flaws are only "unique idenitfiying marks", but when I'm face to face with my reflection... it's so difficult to think that way.

My blemished skin that covers my overweight body doesn't seem so special to me. No matter how often I pluck, tweeze, and pull my eyebrow hairs out, it never makes me look as beautiful as I want to be. No matter how many minutes I spend twisting my hair into curls and frying it with an iron, it never turns out as perfectly as planned. And no matter which clothes I decide to wear, I'm still unhappy with my appearance. I keep layering on the makeup but it doesn't do anything but drain my bank account. How far do I have to go and how much do I have to spend before I'm finally happy with myself?

They all say I'm pretty and cheery and confident.. and I smile.. because I haven't got the nerve to tell them how things really are. How I think about living at the gym, constantly throwing my flawed body onto the different machines and hoping for a movie star result. How I'm scared to eat anything at all... in fear that I'll gain even more and be worse off than I was before. I can't tell them how disappointed I am. That it gets so bad that I want to stop eating altogether.... forever.

I'll keep on smiling and making jokes about my body to ease the pain of it all.. and they'll laugh, thinking I'm just kidding. But the truth is, I feel like a failure... An ultimate failure.

But I'll go back to the salon to get more highlights by covering my scalp with stinging bleach and hair products. I'll get fake nails glued onto my real ones and try to keep a straight face when they cut and grind my nails down further and further. I'll request them to rip off my eyebrows with hot wax as tears well up in my eyes. I'll pay them for frying, cutting, ripping, and inflicting different kinds of pain on my body...

Why? Because beauty is pain..

And no matter how much it all hurts, I want more than anything to be beautiful.